500 Startups, and not a good idea between them

Ever wanted to see a load of startup kids disappear up their own arse? Ever wondered why people are starting to get tired of 'entrepreneurs' that spend more time making viral videos than focusing on solving problems or launching something tangible?

Behold - the moment the tech scene in the states disappeared up it's own hoop (again).

Pass me the sickbag.

Stickers won't save you now

One of the funniest things about looking into the tech and social sphere from the outside (well, as a somebody that uses and manages on, rather than builds their services) is seeing the sort of mundane, everyday things they present as somehow revolutionary.

This week? It's Facebook and clip-art. You know, the images you send to your mates in an email conversation to try and sound less like you are machine-gunning words at them? Well, now with Facebook Messenger, you can attach a clip-art sticker to your message - meaning that you can now wink at people using a cat, rather than a smiley face, or lines.

This is a development right up there with Peter Frampton's talking guitar in terms of it's novelty-value. But no doubt, this is a way of introducing another 'revenue stream' into the Facebook experience, by inviting users to 'buy' more smiley packs.

From a finance perspective, it makes perfect sense. It'll keep shareholders happy.

But let's not get carried away with the hyperbole, as Engadget has, talking about the 'crippling visual limitations of emoticons in textual communications'.

Crippling? Crippling?! Come on. We've managed thus as a species thus far to get by not having an image of a winking (I said WINKING) pirate rabbit to send to our mate. Take off your Google Glass and apply a reality filter to what you're saying!

The worst thing about this re-heated idea? It's a re-heated idea stolen from another app - Path. You know, the one that steals contact information from it's users?

I've long suspected that the tech scene over in America (and by extension over here) have been engulfed and slightly deranged in it's own hubris, and believes that everything that it does, or every problem it 'solves', is life-changing.

Checking in at a location is fun - it's not life-changing.

Sharing photos with your friends is nice - it's not life-changing.

Creating cartoon characters for kids that you can buy upgrades for? It's a bit craven (like most advertising aimed at kids) - it's not life-changing. It solves nothing!

Updating your status or sending a tweet is brilliant - but we're not solving world hunger or complex social injustices. We're just easing the daily grind for people fortunate enough to be born into the western world. Making things a bit easier. And that is valuable. Enabling frictionless communication is a wonderful thing, and it's what the internet I love is all about.

But let's not all drink from the same fountain and start thinking that adding stickers to an app is important or news-worthy in any way. They're only stickers!

Hyundai: Not the Korean for 'has a heart'

If the definition of something going viral is that it rapidly causes nausea and a general feeling of queasiness, the Hyundai are to be congratulated with their latest piece of viral marketing - it really hit the spot.

Featuring (get this, it's a real laugh riot!) a middle aged man unsuccessfully trying to commit suicide in their eco-friendly car, the advert has quite rightly raised hackles across the internet.

It’s a dreadful advert. It reminds me of the dystopian advertisements in a Paul Verhoeven film- the sort of thing that you can imagine a young, naive creative may think is funny when he or she is chortling down the pub with mates, but is much less funny when you realise that your intended audience (your ‘hilarious’ mates, who will happily stick up for you anonymously in comment sections of websites) can’t afford the car in question, and the rest of the people who see it feel that the world has just got a little bit crueler for having the ad projected into it through our own personal Black Mirrors.

And the fact that Hyundai tried to weasel out of any controversy was just as sad - especially seeing as the creative agency that made the video is owned by the Chairman of Hyundai. It’s conceivable that he didn’t see it, but then that’s not really an excuse.

As a disclaimer, I should really point out that I’m an supporter/helper-outer of the charity CALM (a suicide-prevention charity based in the UK), but to be perfectly honest, I’d object to the cruelty of this video even if I wasn’t. It’s mean-spirited, cruel, and leaves you feeling a bit dirty.

Hey, Hyundai - make sure that this doesn’t happen again. Next time, try and make something that appeals to the best elements of humanity, rather than this dreck. And read this.

On your website, it states that ‘At Hyundai, we ask ourselves the important questions every day. And, every day, we seek the best answers. It’s what makes us grow as a car company.’

Clearly, the question of ‘will this upset anybody?’ wasn’t asked once. So you're clearly not asking enough.

Google Glass: a warning from history

I’m not a fan of Google Glass. There, I’ve said it. If you’re a fan of it, feel free to start throwing rocks at me right about now. Frankly, I don’t care.

Normally, I’m a big fan of change, and innovation. It’s what drives an economy forward, what creates new opportunities, and it feeds itself. To me, the phrase ‘If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it’ is a cop-out of massive proportions. It’s the easy way out of having to do anything, and it’s often used by people who are scared of change, and want the world to stay exactly the same. If that was the case, I don’t think we’d have ever invented fire, the wheel, or allowed Breaking Bad to mature into one of the greatest TV shows ever produced.

But am I the only one who thinks that Google Glass is just a creepy load of old cack?

For starters, I’m yet to see one person wearing a pair of them that doesn’t look like a prat.

I mean, come on! They may look okay on a model, or on Sergei Brin (aka not-quite Tony Stark), but on you and me? I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to end up looking more like a Bullseye contestant.

Also, Robert Scoble wears them. In public toilets. And whilst he’s not a pervert, I’d certainly get a bit creeped out having somebody standing next to me at the urinals wearing one of those. I’d get pee-shy if I knew there was a risk I could end up on the internet. Seriously, the potential for perving with these bad boys is huge.

Also, think about how people would react around you. Yes, the world is becoming more technologically advanced by the nano-second, but don’t forget that some people are still fundamentally a bit scared of having their pictures taken, let alone being recorded. These aren’t just insecure wallflowers - these are people who value their privacy. Who would like to perhaps have a conversation with you without having to worry about their vocal mannerisms, their nervous tic, or even just wanting to have an off-the-record chat? Yes, I know that products are designed with the vast majority of decent people in mind, but this is still a bit of a kick in the face for good old-fashioned privacy.

With that said, I don’t think wearable technology is a fad. Clearly it isn’t. It’s here to stay, and we’ve been augmenting ourselves since the dawn of time with wearable innovations (shoes, clothes, glasses, watches). But that doesn’t stop me from wondering why a pair of goggles is being seen as something truly groundbreaking. I’d prefer something less intrusive, less showy. A bit more refined. This is a bad use of wearable tech.

In the confines of Silicon Valley/Roundabout, walking around with a pair of interactive goggles on marks you out as a real trendsetter, surfing the bleeding edge with gay abandon. I’m imagining walking around with this technology in Manchester, other areas of London. Not quite so cosy and new-tech now, is it? Now you just look like a simpleton with some lenseless specs.

Google, remember: to Sir Clive Sinclair, the C5 seemed like a great idea at the time. To Alan Sugar, the GX4000 and the eM@iler seemed like great ideas. History is telling you something, Google: Don’t get carried away by the limited success of your other hardware products and think that you are above a failure of this magnitude.

Every tech disaster was a ‘great idea’ at some point.